{"id":1987,"date":"2021-03-15T18:47:15","date_gmt":"2021-03-15T18:47:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thewitnessexet.wpengine.com\/?p=1987"},"modified":"2021-10-10T15:06:00","modified_gmt":"2021-10-10T15:06:00","slug":"opinion-notallmen-are-taught-what-consent-is-and-that-is-where-the-problem-lies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thewitnessexeter.co.uk\/?p=1987","title":{"rendered":"Opinion: #NotAllMen are taught what consent is, and that is where the problem lies"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n \t<\/i> Read Time:<\/span>5 Minute, 34 Second <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n

Trigger Warning: assault, sexual assault, violence against women, rape <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Disclaimer: When discussing \u2018women\u2019, the author includes all people who identify as female. This piece is also not attempting to invalidate the experiences of those who don\u2019t identify as female, including men, but is an opinion piece from the POV of a cis woman. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Monday 8th<\/sup> March 2021, and International Women\u2019s Day is\nbeing celebrated. People share love and appreciation for the strength, courage\nand durability of their sisters, wives, girlfriends, friends and generally\ninspirational women. Two days later we\u2019re confronted with the #NotAllMen social\nmedia response to the murder of yet another woman.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sarah Everard followed all of the rules for avoiding harassment\nand murder that women are taught from the time we\u2019re young: she was on the\nphone to her boyfriend, she walked along the main road, she wore bright\nclothing and was getting herself home well before midnight. Maybe she\u2019s to\nblame for the wrong footwear; perhaps she\u2019s to blame for not carrying her keys\nbetween the fingers of her free hand. Perhaps she\u2019s to blame for forgetting her\nrape alarm or pepper spray, or for, in her terror, forgetting the emergency\ncall function on an iPhone. Maybe she\u2019s to blame for assuming the right to\nautonomy and life. In the next round of the routine victim-blaming of another\nmurdered or assaulted woman, all of the above were cited, overtly or not, as\npotential explanations for her death. This was to be expected, although these\nideas are seen less and less now that it\u2019s generally understood that\nvictim-blaming is pass\u00e9. Instead, what rose from the ashes was a whole new\ncategory of victims who proclaimed their innocence, which came in the form of\n#NotAllMen.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

#NotAllMen was the trending response to our outrage, and its sole\npurpose appeared to be victim-blaming with knobs on. Rather than say that women\nare to blame, people came together to let the world know that men weren\u2019t necessarily<\/em>\nto blame either. This makes sense, because generally, no man knows of anyone\nwho has committed sexual assault. Yet a recent survey conducted by UN Women UK<\/a> found that\n97% of women aged 18-24 had been sexually harassed, while 80% of women of all\nages said they had experienced sexual harassment in public spaces. So, what,\nare we dealing with a few bad apples? Perhaps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is plausible, however, that the men who touted their innocence simply don\u2019t understand what sexual harassment looks like. Not only is the idea of the dark-alley-late-at-night inaccurate, but it\u2019s popularity as an image of assault makes it incredibly difficult to implement change, as it essentially allows the perpetuators of sexual assault to absolve themselves of all responsibility. They\u2019re able to proclaim innocence because they\u2019ve never done that<\/em> to a woman. But that isn\u2019t the only form of sexual assault. I should state at this point that I am saying all of this with as much compassion as possible, understanding the difficulties of admitting your wrongdoing when you\u2019re plagued by guilt, or never got told it was wrong in the first place. Indeed, it seems that the key issue is that, as a society, the concepts we hold and teach (or rather, don\u2019t) concerning consent and sexual assault are blurry, and arguably walking on eggshells around the feelings of men who, understandably, don\u2019t want to be educated on what exactly it is that they did wrong – men in our lives who we often love. It is these men who may be guilty of assault, whether they knew it at the time or not: guilty of pursuing somebody who was clearly uncomfortable or uninterested in a sexual manner, or of an unwanted touch; of sending nudes without consent, or not listening to any hint of a \u2018No\u2019. It doesn\u2019t look like the alley \u2013 it looks like the logical conclusion of being taught as a small boy in the playground that \u2018If she says no, try again\u2019.  Because it is true that #NotAllMen rape, or act out of a conscious violence and malevolence towards the women in their lives, but it is also true that almost #NoMenWhatsoever are taught what consent looks and feels like. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, #AlmostNobodyAtAll is taught what consent should be or\ntaught the clear boundaries surrounding their physical and emotional selves. I\nknow that I certainly wasn\u2019t. Sarah Everard\u2019s murder came as another one of the\nlogical conclusions of what small children are taught: while little boys are\ntaught to pursue, little girls are taught that if a boy hits you, or teases\nyou, then he likes you. We\u2019re taught to take it as a compliment. So we do \u2013 we rarely\nsay no, and indeed, we were coerced into saying yes so often that it became\nnormal before long. And how is that little boy supposed to know that it\u2019s wrong\nto pursue a woman and act out of violence, anyway? Similarly, how are women who\nend up in violent relationships supposed to have known what was coming? How\nwere they supposed to know that the obsessive control of a boyfriend who\nprofesses to adore them wasn\u2019t anything more than a less-than-pleasant\ndemonstration of his undying love for her? Until, of course, his undying love\nkills her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I talk about these extremes firstly because they exist \u2013 these realities are far more common than we like to admit \u2013 and secondly because they\u2019re interlinked. Because the attitude we have toward women\u2019s testimonies of violence at the hands of men are all treated in a way which suggests we care more about protecting those who caused the damage. And while I have some beliefs about how the system has created, benefits from, and allows this violent manifestation of gender inequality, that isn\u2019t the point. The point is that it really is time for change, and for men to get uncomfortable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can have conversations about consent all we like, but until men admit that they must absolutely be present at those educational talks, the organisations trying to educate us will be preaching to the choir. Yes, teach your children differently. Yes, listen to the stories of the women in your life and don\u2019t try to explain their experience away. But, also, yes: admit to yourself if you\u2019ve ever been a part of the problem, and then work hard to change. Because how are you supposed to teach your little boy any different if you don\u2019t do the same for yourself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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